The Worst Trigun Fic Ever
by Sempai Sunny
Summary: NANI? Have I lost my mind? I'm trying to write the worst Trigun Fic Ever! Never says, Knives blowing things up, the underlying meanings of their lines, the legendary Annie May Awards, interesting "facts", etc...
1. Knives's Obsession

Disclaimer: I don't own Trigun or Knives or anything else in here (especially not Knives, and he is the only character mentioned because this focuses on him)  
Armed by Angels  
(or Knives Blows Things Up and Kills People)  
(On the set of Trigun)  
Knives: ::picks up Angel Arm and shoots at Nicholas D. Wolfwood:: "KABLOOIE!"  
Everyone else: O.O (O.O. for a certain TWIN)  
Legato: Master, what are you doing?  
Knives: ::shoots Legato::  
Director: HEY! Don't shoot my boyfriend!  
Vash: I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO THAT YOU MORON!  
Meryl: But, you don't like killing pe--  
Knives: ::shot Meryl before she could finish her sentence::  
Milly: SENPAI!!!!!!!!!! WOLFIE!!!!!!!!!!! ::aims stun gun at certain plant::  
Knives: ::shoots at Milly, misses, hits Kuroneko instead::  
Kuroneko: ::flying through air and lands on Wolfwood:: Nyaoooooooooooooooooooooooooo  
Knives: Shit. I missed.  
Vash: ::picks up own Angel Arm and shoots at Knives:: STOP KILLING PEOPLE!  
Knives: STOP LISTENING TO REM'S INCESSANT MEDDLING!  
Vash: REM! ::cries::  
Knives: ::shoots Milly, this time doesn't miss::  
Director: I have got to find a new show.   
Knives: ::shoots director, bullet passes right through::  
Director: You can't shoot me!  
Knives: Why not?  
Director: BECAUSE I SAID SO MORON! BECAUSE YOUR JOB IS ON THE LINE!   
Knives: Can I get it off the line?  
Director: ::looks at Legato:: Hmm....he seems to be out cold. Yeah, why not?  
Knives: Pick you up say, nine o'clock?  
Director: Okay.  
Vash: O.O. Wait? Out cold? HE BLASTED THEM TO KINGDOM COME! THEY'RE ALL DEAD!  
Director: Tongari, you are so pathetic.  
Knives: They're stun caps. And fake blood. God, we've been doing this show for two months and you haven't realized that?  
Vash: ::to Director:: But...you're attached? You and Legato've been dating since before the show was even proposed.  
Director: Yeah. So?  
Vash: People say that's why he got the part.  
Director: And people say Nick got his part for the same reason.  
Knives: But, he did.  
Director: SHADDUP!  
Vash: O.O. How come *I* didn't ge--  
Knives: ::shoots Vash::  
Director: Was that a real bullet?  
Knives: ::studies Vash:: Oops.  
Director: I think we should go now.  
Knives: ::blows up set::  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Okay, that's my totally random Knives fic about Knives killing people and blowing things up. No plot, but was there supposed to be one? I'm not even sure if it can be considered funny. In my opinion, it's crap. I accept flames for this. I don't give a damn. Toodles! I'm sure my other stories I've been spending more quality time are will work out better. FOR LOVE AND PEACE!!!!  
Does everyone realize that this is MY personal attempt at WORLD'S WORST FAN FICTION? 


	2. Things You Wouldn't Expect

Sigh. I miss my friends. I'm holed up in my room doing my math homework, and, FINALLY, inspiration strikes. Missing my friends, from camp that is, has sent me in to thinking of things that I should never put in my fan fiction. I will accept flames from Pie, Ex-Smurfette, and Just Another Weasley on this because they are all going to go ballistic when they see I have quoted them and others. Well, flames will be accepted from other people, but those three are most justified. Disclaimers at the end. I promise. Oh, yeah, and I'm not making certain characters represent certain people. I'd run out of characters too fast. 

THINGS I PROMISE TO NEVER, EVER PUT IN MY FAN FICS!   
  


Vash: Wait, isn't this the same thing as what they did to China after they bombed Pearl Harbor? 

Meryl: Japan bombed Pearl Harbor, genius. 

Milly: ::cries:: I hate it when people bring that up... 

Legato ::pensively:: In perspective of... 

Meryl: ::to Milly just after Wolfwood*SPOILER WON'T TYPE IT*:: Imagine Knives Millions falling out a tenth story window after being stabbed to death by a dull plastic knife... 

(A/N: yeah, I know, it wasn't Knives, but for the sake of this, I changed it) 

Random Thomas: Moooooooooooooooooooo ::laughs hysterically:: 

Any Girl in Trigun: ::in cheerleading uniforms:: I'm sexy, I'm cute, I'm popular to boot! (etc) 

All Trigun characters: ::in a big circle, all having arms across each other's shoulders:: Bye, bye, Miss American Pie, drove my chevy to the levee but the levee was dry.... 

Milly: Daddy! ::glomps Wolfwood:: 

Wolfwood: ::slaps forehead:: Not again! 

Milly: Mommy! ::glomps Legato:: (Yes, I wrote Legato) 

Legato: Wha? Since when am I her mother? 

Milly: ::sternly, to Meryl:: But he's....Vash ::says Vash with air of disgust:: 

Milly: I HAVE SEXY GREEN FEET! 

Everyone else: O.O (O.O. for Vash!) 

Meryl: ::to eight teen-age girls, only one of whom is shorter than her:: Okay, girls, we're having the pizza in the snack bar after evening program. 

Girls: YAY! 

Girls: FARMER CHICKEN! 

Vash: ::blush:: 

Meryl: Not again.... 

Wolfwood: And what will you do if you catch people making out? 

Legato: We take Polaroid pictures of both of you... 

Knives: And send them to your parents and in-laws. 

Milly: O.O 

::Milly and Wolfwood both cover hickies on their necks with their hands:: 

Vash: ::bites into pierogi:: This pierogi is spicy! 

All at table: ::start intense pierogi dissection:: 

Milly: Ow! I stubbed my toe! I have to go to the nurse! 

Meryl: Have you guys noticed that she always stubs her toe on days she has to clear the table? 

Everyone else: ::nods:: 

Vash: ::drunk and singing:: Your father, your mother, your sister, your brother... 

Meryl: STOP SINGING THAT DAMN SONG! ::slaps him:: 

Legato: Hickory, dickory, dock... 

Legato: ::sings:: I'm a little teapot, short and stout.... 

Knives: ::in a monotone, droning on:: And genetic engineering is wrong because.... 

Knives: ::still in monotone, acting as a teacher:: Okay. Since there are less boys than girls, in this class, the boys can pick. Vash? 

Vash: I'll work with Meryl. 

Meryl: Damn. 

Milly: Oh, look, there goes Vash running in the rain. 

Meryl: That's probably the first shower he's had in two weeks... 

Meryl: I spent seven hours coloring those stupid cell diagrams! SEVEN HOURS! 

Vash: Wow. I spent fifteen minutes doing that. 

Meryl: I hate you. 

Milly/Meryl/Dominique: ::singing:: Why do you build me up, Buttercup baby, just to let me down... 

Milly/Meryl: Hey Mickey, you so fine, you so fine, you blow my mind, hey Mickey! Hey Mickey! 

Meryl: YOU JUST HAD TO TAKE A PICTURE, DIDN'T YOU??? FOR ONCE IN MY MISERABLE LIFE I WAS HAPPY AND YOU HAD TO GO AND RUIN IT BY TAKING A PICTURE!!! ::runs off and cries:: 

Knives: Okay, by a show of hands, who wants Vash back? 

::no one raises their hand except Wolfwood:: 

Knives: Okay, Vash, you're still banned from here. 

Wolfwood: ::on unicycle, juggling Angel Arm, Cross Punisher, Stun Gun, and a Derringer:: Skinny German Juggle Boy! 

Wolfwood: I love that hair flip thing that girls do. 

::Dominique and Milly flip their hair:: 

Wolfwood: I love that! 

::Meryl deep throats a twizzler:: 

Meryl: ::looking at insanely long water ride lines:: You know, by the time we get on any of those water rides, we're going to have to go home. 

::Knives, Vash, and Wolfwood are all asleep in a room they share with Legato. Alarm clock is going off:: 

Legato: ::runs into room:: Oh shit. ::slams door and yells:: YOU GUYS KNOW THAT WE HAVE TO BE IN CLASS IN LESS THAN FIFTEEN MINUTES, RIGHT? 

::Knives, Vash, and Wolfwood look at him, bleary-eyed, not understanding a word of what he just said:: 

Milly: YOU ATE ALL MY GOLDFISH! 

Meryl: Yup. 

Vash: ::on stage, with a microphone:: Because of time constraints, I can only sing three verses of this song. ::looks around at people who are giving him dagger looks:: Oh, and anyone who wants to sing along can join in. 

Legato: ::to Milly:: You shouldn't speak to your mother like that! (A/N: If you missed the whole point of this, reread it) 

Vash: ::chatting with random guy on the Internet:: This guy says morphene is better than sex. 

Meryl: Oh? 

Vash: But, he wouldn't know, since he's a virgin. 

Vash: ::still chatting with same guy:: I've just taken away his sex privileges. 

Legato: Why should he care if he's a virgin? 

::everyone hugging and crying and saying "see you in 49 weeks!":: 

Meryl: Ben and Jerry's ice cream is the world's most perfect food. 

Milly: CHOCOLATE FIX! 

Milly/Meryl/Dominique: ::singing:: So kiss me and smile for me 

Vash: I thought I said if I heard that damn song one more time.... 

Wolfwood: We know. You'd kill them. 

Legato: ::sings:: LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! 

Legato: I'm supervising. They'll let me get away with it. 

Meryl: ::dancing around her room and singing, using a hairbrush as a microphone:: I'm blue da ba dee da ba die 

Vash: That's not cool... 

Meryl: ::slaps him:: Stop saying that. You're getting everyone else to say it. That's not cool. 

Vash: Like you, for instance? 

Meryl: ::slaps him again:: 

::Milly sits on the steps of a building taking pictures of every person who walks past her:: 

Knives: Hey! Look! ::points at Legato's car:: 

Meryl: So? 

Legato: ::leans out window:: HI! 

Knives: ::chases car:: GIMME A RIDE! ::pulls open door and jumps in car:: 

Legato: ::sighs:: Meryl, you want one too? 

Meryl: We're going to the library. 

Legato: The library's RIGHT THERE! ::points at building ten feet away and slaps Knives:: 

Knives: Give me a ride anyway. 

Meryl: ::eating gummy fruit salad:: This stuff's addictive. What'd you put in it? Crack? Meth? 

Dominique: No. That's just how it is. 

Meryl: Okay. ::finishes bag:: Got anymore? 

::everyone eating gummy fruit salad:: 

Meryl: HEAR YE HEAR YE! EVERYONE TAKE OUT WHATEVER FOOD YOU HAVE LEFT OVER AND WE'LL HAVE A PARTY! 

Wolfwood: The menu for tonight's dinner is-- 

Everyone else: Chicken or Manicotti. 

Wolfwood: How'd you know? 

Meryl: Has anyone seen Milly? 

Dominique: She's out with Nick. 

Meryl: Like I said, has anyone seen her? 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Maybe I'll add to the madness. Depends on whether or not I'm still alive after posting this... 

Disclaimers: I don't own Trigun, Bring It On, "Hey Mickey", "Blue", "American Pie", "Build Me Up Buttercup", or anything else I might have stolen. I do own some of the quotes, though my friends own the rest. ^_~. R&R and maybe I'll come up with more madness! 


	3. Expecting Further Unexpected Things

Well, due to the *mass appeal* of my first list of "Things I Promise Never To Put In My Fanfics" I shall add one (Kel-kins---all for you!)

Not owning Trigun---ever! Also not owning songs sung, other shows mentioned, anything parodied, and random things said by people other than me...

****

Things Thou Shalt Not Make Trigun Characters Say

Knives: ::sings:: I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts!

Milly: Mailbox, will you marry me? (A/N: this is a reference to my good friend Pie's poem "Ode to My Mailbox")

Milly: ::cluelessly:: I'm milking a goat? ::shrugs::

Meryl: And bachelor number two....

Vash: Do ya like my Ninja Turtles sheets?

Meryl: ::singing, karaoke style:: If you really want me and you think I'm sexy....

::Wolfwood does the Macarena::

Legato: Hi Barbie!

Dominique: Hi Ken!

Legato: Wanna go for a ride?

Dominique: Sure Ken! ::sings:: I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world!

Knives: ::sings:: I wish I were an Oscar Meyer wiener. That is what I truly want to be. 'Cause if I were an Oscar Meyer wiener, everyone would be in love with me!

Vash: Forget the donuts! Gimme a mocha latté and a glazed kruller.

Wolfwood: I've never been to church in my life....

Knives: I'm writing a story about an elephant! It goes on an adventure, and the story's in FRENCH!

Milly: ::serenades Wolfwood:: Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?

Legato: ::sings:: Polly put the kettle on, kettle on, kettle on, Polly put the kettle on, we'll all have tea!

Milly/Meryl: Miss Mary Mack, Mack, all dressed in black, black, black, with silver buttons, buttons, buttons (etc)

Vash: BURN! (a la Kelso from That 70's Show)

::Wolfwood watches Madonna's _Like a Prayer_ video(you know, the one where she burns crosses?)and sets fire to his cross::

Knives: Farewell, cruel world! ::falls two feet, succeeding in only scraping his knee::

Vash: If music be the food of love, play on

Vash: ::a la Patrick from Ten Things I Hate About You:: You're just too good to be true, can't take my eyes off of you.

Meryl: Oh Kami, not again.

Legato: ::sings:: Things are seldom what they seem. Skim milk masquerades as cream.

Knives: I kill dragons to save the people. No, wait, I kill snakes to save the birds. No, that's wrong...I kill...Line?

Milly: I saw exactly five minutes of Lord of the Rings.

Legato: That's because the rest of the movie, you were making out with Wolfwood.

Milly: ::blush:: I WAS NOT!

Milly: DIE!

Midvally: I'm taking up flute.

Kaite: I can make this whole room self destruct.

Elizabeth: I tried out to play Joy in Pokémon, but they rejected me because all the guys drooled after me, not just Brock.

Chapel: Like my colored contacts?

Loose Ruth: Damn it, just give me the $$60 billion!

Descartes: I was National Boomerang champion from 1990 to 1998!

Milly: Then ::giggle:: he asked me to ::giggle:: eat them with him! ::giggles hysterically::

Vash: Goldfish have a memory span of three seconds.

Wolfwood: You have a memory span of three seconds.

Milly: So, Mr. Vash is a goldfish?

Milly: Senpai, what does senpai mean?

Meryl: Hell if I know! You're the one who calls me that!

Knives: I kill the crocodiles to save the piranhas? (If that makes no sense, reread it)

::Knives and Legato do roller disco::

Milly: Senpai! Come here! Horseshoe crabs are eating my pajamas!

::Vash reads Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus while Meryl is dressed in a black teddy and ready to knock him over the head with a 2-by-4::

Wolfwood: I'm a pedofile.

Milly: You're obsessed with feet?

Milly: ::holding pudding carton:: Who eats this stuff? Look at what's in it!

Knives: Okay, okay, I admit it! I loved Rem! I miss her!

Rem: Go ahead. Kill someone. See if I care.

Wolfwood: Would you....eat them with me?

Milly: ::who thought he was going to ask her something else:: Hell no! ::slaps him::

Legato: ::playing with Dominique's chair:: Your chair makes a sexy noise.

Dominique: I know. You've told me that a million times.

Legato: ::to Dominique:: You wanna sit on my lap?

Vash: ::plucks petals off a flower:: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not....

::Meryl is acting all sweet and nice::

Vash: I guess she found her Midol, huh?

Milly: Yup. It was in her typewriter case.

Knives: Let's play Spin the Bottle! ::spins it and it lands on Legato:: Pucker up, Bluesummers!

Wolfwood: I think Meryl must be my long lost sister...

Milly: ::glomps Wolfwood:: Hi Daddy!

Wolfwood: ::to Legato:: She still thinks I'm her father.

Legato: ::as Milly glomps him:: And that I'm her mother. (A/N: read the last set over)

Milly: ::to Vash and Meryl:: Thou shalt not argue before breakfast. It's in the bible.

Wolfwood: No it's not.

Milly: Well, it should be!

(hehe...watched a Little House on the Prairie marathon today!)

::Milly, Meryl, Dominique, and Elizabeth all fawning over Vash::

Meryl: ::stands on tiptoes:: Okay, now I'm tall enough to go on this ride!

Wolfwood: ::kisses Milly::

Milly: EW! Cigarette breath!

Legato: ::to Vash in episode 24:: Why are you holding a gun to my head?

Legato: Mmm....ice pops (a la Homer from The Simpsons)

Vash/Wolfwood: ::sing:: I get knocked down, but I get up again!

Knives: What do spiders and butterflies have to do with Trigun?

Dominique: I could have killed you at least three times by now, but I won't, because I have an optometrist appointment in fifteen minutes!

Vash: I have a problem. There are these two girls who have been following me for over two years. My brother is sending people out to kill me, including a man who has become my best friend. Oh, and I'm a plant.

Meryl: This was supposed to be a company vacation. Instead, it's been a trip of heart ache, rejection, and regret! (a la Kiyone from Tenchi Muyo)

Milly: Do you like Vash?

Wolfwood: And the Lord spake unto Abraham...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay, it's not as long as the previous one, but hey, it's still weird, random, and adds a chapter to the Worst Trigun Fic Ever!


	4. Your Doctor Recommends 20 CCs of Trigun ...

No own Trigun! Or BMW or Sylvester the cat or whatever else slipped in.

YAY! Another installment of things Trigun characters should never say! YAY!

**If You Hear It, It Wasn't From Me**

Dominique: (just after Vash says that she should be a wife) Marry me, fool!

Caine: (actually, Caine saying anything is a pretty scary thought)

E.G. Mine: Legato, can I get out of this thing now?

Legato: But it looks so good on you

Midvally: One at a time, ladies, one at a time

Knives: (to Vash) And now, I will blow off your right arm, and give it to another willing minion.

Vash: I will kill Legato and I will enjoy killing him. I will kill Legato and I will enjoy killing him. I will kill Legato and I will enjoy killing him (etc)

Milly: x plus y cubed times 43 equals the square root of pi rounded to the ten billionth place.

Meryl: Milly, what are we doing here? Who's the guy with the blonde hair? And the guy with the cross?

Legato: I can read minds, but I forgot your name

Vash: (after lil convo w/Descartes about suicide) I'm jumping anyway!

Knives: God, what would Rem say if she knew how many people I killed? T_T

Midvally: Where's my hair gel?

Meryl: (to Milly and Vash in a drinking session) You two are gonna get guts from drinking so much. And I can think of two people who might not appreciate that so much.

Meryl: I knew Vash hit that guy in Little Arcadia all along. I was just playing along.

Neil: (upon hearing about the 5th moon incident) Mom, that's not the Vash the Stampede _we know, is it?_

Wolfwood: Why am I carrying this thing?

Wolfwood: What day is this, and what am I doing in Alaska? (A/N: this guy at my school has that written on a shirt! I picked Wolfie to say it because of Angelina (one and two) and the shirt was a BMW motorcycle shirt)

Meryl: Where are you going? Who will you be with? When are you getting back?

Vash: Meryl, I think you're starting to take this 24-hour surveillance thing a bit too seriously.

Legato: ::just after killing someone:: Murder. My anti-drug.

Vash: ::doing the egg trick in episode 10:: Look at my super speed!

Vash: You blinked! Kuroneko wins!

Wolfwood: Why do I start these things? I never win.

Knives: You should have learned long ago not to get into staring contests with cats.

Kuroneko: Sufferin' Succotash!

Wolfwood: ::trying to shoot Cross Punisher:: What the fuck? Why isn't it shooting? VASH!

Vash: ^^. I had nothing to do with it.

Milly: ::waves bag of bullets in Wolfwood's face::

Vash: Fine. Kill yourself for all I care!

Vash: Uh, can I get $$60 billion worth of geraniums? It's for my mother.

Vash: ::watching Wolfwood shoot the Cross Punisher:: How'd ya get it to do that?

Wolfwood: ::still firing:: It's getting it to stop that's the real problem.

Milly: Meryl, gimme a Derringer. This thing's too heavy

Meryl: Alright, I admit it. I'm wrong.

Raidei: ::says something optimistic::

Meryl: ::upon hearing about how Knives blew off Vash's left arm:: Why not the right one? You're right handed. If he really wanted to impair you, he'd have blown off your right arm. How smart is your brother if he couldn't figure that out?

Vash: Meryl, shut up.

Everyone in cast: Meryl, shut up. (A/N: I'm sure someone says this at least once, though...or they should...)

Legato: That's because this was the arm that happened to attach your hand to your body--oh, God, that's disgusting. I just realized that. EW! ::runs around and screams::

Legato: KNIVES! I QUIT!

Knives: ::calmly:: Fine.

Legato: ::grovels:: I'm sorry master. I was overreacting. I'm sorry. ::kisses Knives's feet::

Vash: Dammit! Where's my gun? ::grabs broken bottle:: HAH! I'm Vash the Stampede, humanoid typhoon, and wielder of danger things such as guns and broken glass bottles.

Everyone else there: -_-;

Vash: ::all daydreamy:: I like butterflies.

Knives: So will you help me kill the spiders.

Vash: *.*. ::obnoxious little kid voice:: Okay.

Knives: Fine. You can start with the obnoxious short one.

Meryl: Official Bernardelli Insurance Society Report. Page One. Vash the Stampede is an obnoxious idiot and I'm requesting a change in department. Page Two. Vash the Stampede is an obnoxious idiot and I'm requesting a change in department. Page Three. Vash the Stampede is an obnoxious idiot and I'm requesting a change in department. Page Four. Vash the Stampede is an obnoxious idiot and I'm requesting a change in department. (etc, etc, etc)

Vash: ::dictating to Milly, the incessant letter writer:: Dear Knives, Hi. How are you? I'm fine. How are the Gung-Ho Guns? I hope that you are well, and I was wondering if you'd like to meet us for tea sometime next week. Fondly, your brother, Vash.

Milly: Dear Mom, Dad, Big Big Sister, Middle Big Sister, Little Big Sister, ::looks at paper:: Oh, screw it. ::crumples it up and takes out new paper:: I....Hate...You....All. ::looks at paper:: That's better! ^_^

Wolfwood: Milly, bring me a sandwich.

Wolfwood: Oh shit, now _I want some pudding._

Wolfwood: ::uses a curse other than "shit"::

Wolfwood, Meryl, and Knives: ::attend an anger management class run by....Milly::

Meryl: Good. He's gone. ::to Milly and Vash:: Now we turn this place upside down and throw out every cigarette we find.

Milly: I don't think Bokushi-san would appreciate that, Senpai.

Meryl: He's going to have an early death if he doesn't quit!

Vash: You care more about Wolfwood than you care about me! T_T.

Meryl: That's because I don't have to follow him 24/7!

Knives: I kill the barracudas to save the urchins? (A/N: see the first installment of "never says")

Knives: ::after Vash yells at him for killing Rem:: I-i-it w-was an accident. ::cries:: I didn't want to! She made me! I swear she did!

Knives: You will kill people and you will enjoy killing people.

Legato: Yes, master.

Knives: -_-; Not you. Him ::points at Vash::

Vash: T_T. But I don't _wanna kill people._

Legato: Master, are you feeling okay? You haven't been sleeping. Would you like me to give you a massage?

Dominique: Legato, make me purr.

Legato: ::turns Dominique into Kuroneko::

Wolfwood: Oh shit...now I know why that cat has it in for me...

Dominique: THAT WASN'T WHAT I MEANT! (Look at the last one again)

Vash: Do you insurance girls give out anything _besides donuts?_

Milly: Just insurance, I think. Meryl, do we give out insurance?

Meryl: I don't care if we aren't allowed to have part time jobs on the side. If Vash keeps eating all these donuts, I'll be broke by Tuesday!

Milly: Wow, it's really hot in here! ::starts to do what she always does when she says that::

Meryl: Milly! Put--hey, you're right! ::does same thing::

Wolfwood/Vash: ALRIGHT!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope y'all enjoyed 'em!

Dunno where that last one came from -_\\;

Ecaep dna evol, Sunny


	5. The Underlying Meanings of the Trigun Sc...

Disclaimer: Not owning Trigun. Am owning what they really mean, though. What they really mean is in italics. Several are perverted, but come on, everything has underlying themes nowadays.

****

What Trigun Characters REALLY Mean

Knives: I kill spiders to save the butterflies. _Actually, it's really because I'm afraid of spiders, especially big, black ones._

Milly: I'll hate you, I'll haunt you and your children, and your children's children! _I'll guilt trip you until you pay the fare_.

Vash: Are these for me?_ Photo-synthesized food isn't as yummy as donuts!_

Wolfwood: You're really comfy!_ I'll remember this for future reference_.

Meryl: That's not Vash the Stampede! _They didn't put his photo on the wanted posters. He obviously can't be **that** cute!_

Legato: I'll be waiting on that hill. _Come naked_.

Rem: No one ever has the right to take a life. _Except if it's in video games._

Neil: My mom's off limits! _I'm claiming her for myself!_

Milly: That's what **he** would do! _Meryl, stop being an idiot_.

Meryl: Don't let her have too much! _I don't want her getting any if I'm not!_

Chapel: Wolfwood, why? _How could you leave me?_

Meryl: You're the easily deceived type who cries himself to sleep every night, aren't you?_ So am I._

Vash: Why are you pointing that thing at **me**? _Oh, yes, I enjoy having stun guns shoved up my nose._

Milly: Well, it was you, wasn't it? _I do this because it pisses Meryl off. She really likes you, you know._

Knives: You-you shot me? You actually shot me? _Good work. Didn't think you had it in you!_

Vash: It's too hot out here. _And you're making it hotter, Caine._

Vash: Between you and me, my name's irrelevant. _But since you asked, it's Chris Michael Joseph Eric Tom Noah Matthew Robert Steven David Gregory Andrew Trevor Scott_ _Marc Brian Joshua Theodore Alex Adam Daniel Jason John Milton Benjamin William Edward Jeffery Devon Jacob Taylor Douglas Sean Frank Dennis Vash the Stampede Saverem, the sixth._

Wolfwood: I only know you as the Stampede. You could at least tell me your real name. _It's a trade off. You know my whole name, I'll know yours. _

Vash: I'm standing out too much. _I hope Meryl's watching..._

Milly: Wow, it's hot in here! _Nickie...it's you, isn't it?_

Vash: I would, but you drank it all! _That was the last of my rations..._

Midvally: My B-flat! _Damn it. The only thing that kept me as Midvally the Hornfreak....Now people will add the "y" back onto my name..._

Dominique: I could have killed you at least three times by now. _But, I'm under orders not to, so I won't. Besides, it would be a real waste of a man..._

Legato: Yes, master. _Damn it, Knives, I love you!_

Wolfwood: Thanks for the apple. _So, that's an apple from Chapel (hehe, it rhymes), a cherry from Milly...what other fruit can I collect?_ (A/N: I kinda had to be a little disgusting....it worked)

Vash: **That's** why you got me so plastered last night! _::whines:: That's not fair!_

Vash: It was more like a few **dallons**! _Even **you** were starting to look good, Nickie._

Wolfwood: What? Can't you handle a few drinks? _Oh, I forgot. You're a gunslinger with a sixty billion double dollar bounty on your head. Your life isn't as high stress as mine._

Meryl: I understand now. _I'm just saying that because Milly told me to._

Milly: She's really very nice. She bought the donuts. _Bribery always works, doesn't it, Vash?_

Vash: I was patrolling the roof area for...spooks! _Yeah. Very creepy things can be on the roof. Myself, for instance._

Meryl: You don't know who you're dealing with! _I have twenty Derringers in this cloak...and I have no clue how to operate them! Don't make me need to learn!_

Cezar (Episode 2, I think): Unbelievable! _I can't believe I hired this bozo._

Bus Driver (Episode 9): That is one well prepared dead guy. _Wonder how much he's carrying..._

Kid (possessed by Legato in Episode 24): You killed Wolfwood! _What the hell am I saying? Mommy told me never to talk to strangers!_

Man with gun (Episode 25): You could at least die like a man! _When I figure out how to kill you, that is..._

Meryl: I'm sorry I'm late. _God, I have a killer headache...it's making me pleasant..._

Wolfwood: It's right next to you! _But you're not allowed to use it._

Vash: It must have been God, it's the only explanation! _You actually think I'm going to tell you?_

Wolfwood: May you go with the love and protection of almighty God! _You definitely need it, Needle Noggin._

Wolfwood: Believers will be redeemed in the end! _And those who stay out of trouble get to collect sixty billion double dollars!_

Meryl: The birds of a feather have flocked together. _And I'm a lowly cricket._

Wolfwood: You got shot by Brilliant Dynamites Neon? You **do** lead an exciting life! _This can't be the guy Knives is making me look for! He's a loser!_

Milly (Or was it Meryl?): You walked a hundred iles? _Wimp. I could do a thousand without taking a break._

Helen (the little girl from Episode 9): What an embarrassing way to go..._ That's the problem with heroes these days. They all drown in quicksand before they save anyone!_

Vash: There's no one left to protect. _I blasted them all to kingdom come, just like my brother..._

Knives: Spectacular, wasn't it? _For an encore, I was thinking maybe blowing this planet up._

Knives: I can hear the death cries of our friends. _::sniff:: Especially Jimmy. I'm going to miss him..._

Vash: What the hell kind of churchman are you? _Are you sure you're from the church of God and not the church of Satan?_

Wolfwood: I won't let any more children suffer! _Unless I'm the one doing it, that is._

Knives: Garbage. Only good for consuming resources. _I really miss Rem. I want to run up and hug her and tell her I'm sorry. But, I have a reputation to live up to._

Wolfwood: He's not alone..._And neither am I. Hey, Vash...._

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm sick. Most of those quotes come from Episodes 9, 23, 24, 25, and 26. One or two are from Episodes 2 and 10, but not really. A few other random ones, that's it. Hehehe, I had to put a few risque ones in there. (My fic's living up to its R rating...)


	6. The Return of Underlying Meanings of the...

Disclaimer: The only things of Trigun I own are a few DVDs and my overactive imagination...

Milly: And pudding!

Sunny: Wrong person. My friends have pudding. My parents ::sniff:: don't buy it...because it vanishes around here...

And now, our feature presentation:

****

More Hidden Meanings of the Trigun Script

Legato: You hate me, don't you? _Tsk. And we barely know each other. I was hoping we could have gotten something going..._

Wolfwood: They're extenuating circumstances that you wouldn't understand. _But, come here with those sandwiches and we'll settle this, okay?_

Milly: You take your coffee black, right? _Why am I here again?_

Milly: He told me to wait for him._ So I will. I'll just keep waiting and waiting and waiting. I'm the Energizer bunny of waiting_.

Milly: Cigarettes are bad for the baby. _And you **know **we're going to have one, so don't object._

Ericks (or Vash): Thou shall not kill! What the hell kinda churchman are you anyway? _I know you're not much of a churchman, so I'll say it: Wolfie, I love you! _(A/N: That's the closest to yaoi I've ever gotten in a fic...)

Vash: She's very nice and very loud. _But, I like rambunctious girls. Not like Mary Anne here..._

Mary Anne: There goes the bodyguard with no name. _But that's okay. His name wasn't what kept me awake at night..._

Vash: The man who will slaughter the innocent, does the most evil of evil deeds with the price of sixty billion double dollars on his head, YES I AM THAT MAN! _Aren't you proud of me? And look, I've said it out loud and no one's scared or anything!_

Vash: Bonjour, je t'aime! _Er, why am I speaking in FRENCH? Oh well, ::drools:: DONUTS!_ (A/N: In case y'all forgot, that was in episode 24...scary Vash French moment)

Vash: Why do these taste so good? _Why the hell am I asking that? They're DONUTS! ::drools::_

Vash: I don't want any dales (or is it day-olds? I was never quite sure...)..._ Yuck. Stale donuts. I can get those anywhere, especially from those Insurance Girls._

Vash: But, I would never dream of ::socks himself in face:: _I really WOULD never dream of peeking in on **Mary Anne**. Meryl on the other hand..._

Wolfwood: You were the one who found me, weren't you? _A pretty girl rescuing me. The stuff dreams are made of. All I need now is her..._

Meryl: Actually, the one who found you was **that** pathetic creature. _I'll see you tonight anyway, if you want._

Wolfwood: Don't force your way of life onto everyone else! _But, who are you to take direction from me?_

Vash: You killed Rem! _Good job. I didn't like her anyway. Think my acting skills are refined enough?_

Knives: These are our new siblings. _Yup, we're related to chunks of metal that can make our arms sprout feathers. Didn't you know?_

Wolfwood: What do you see in that window over there? _No, not the one with Neil and his mom. The other one. Milly's totally plastered again!_

Wolfwood: If I tell you do you agree to die? _I'm going to die today. Then I'll be able to see you in the great beyond._

Meryl: ::gags and faints:: _Vash, you are being such a disgusting sentimentalist. I want you now!_

Vash: Dream Wrecker. _So I guess asking you to marry me now would be out of the question, huh?_

Vash: Mary Anne's not like that! _Of course. She's nothing like you._

Wolfwood: Got any more water? _I don't want it. It touched your mouth. I just feel like pissing you off._

Wolfwood: You know, you're an expert at pissing me off! _And I piss you off all the time. Aren't we great friends?_

Wolfwood: Eden..._ Too bad it doesn't exist on this hell hole._

Wolfwood: There's no place worse than this planet. It's horrible here. _But, with Milly, it's not **that** bad._

Wolfwood: Would you...eat them with me? (A/N: Oh come on, we **ALL** know what **this** line means!)

Meryl: Milly's late getting back to her room..._ I'll bet she went to Mr. Wolfwood's without me. Bitch._

Vash: Hello friends! _I love birds..._

Vash: I quit after three seconds. _Yup. Real work ethic._

Legato: You're fun. _And sexy, too_.

Raidei: We are dark, diabolical puppets. _And that short brunette ya got with you is pulling my strings._

Kaite: Shut up, you flaky show-off! _Vash the Stampede? More like Vash the Airhead._

Neil: Don't wreck the place, stupid! _If I had a dime for every time some moron face-faulted in here because of my mom, I'd have...well, a lot of dimes...._

Meryl: If you come near, and he bites you, don't expect your insurance to cover it! _Just bite him back._

Meryl: That guy is unbelievable. _In more ways than one..._

Monev the Gale: He's a total chickenshit. _Like all of us, in a way_ (A/N: It seems that many people have this sentiment about Vash the Stampede...)

Dominique: I can't believe I was beaten by that feather-brain of a man! _OK, in accordance with the bet you made, I have to kiss you. Loser kisses winner, remember?_

E.G. Mine: DON'T BE SUCH A DRAMA QUEEN! _Drama **king** is better for you. Leave the queen designation to the girls. Oh....wait...never mind. You act like a girl anyway..._

Meryl: You never know when Vash is going to show up, and then, KABOOM! _I know from experience. Kabooms are nice things..._ (A/N: Yeah...she would know, wouldn't she?)

Legato: The power of death is intoxicating. _Kind of like that rotten cologne you wear, Vash. Get something new. We're all dying out here..._

Brilliant Dynamites Neon: Let's find out who sparkles the most between us. _BREAK OUT THE GLITTER!!! It's make-over time!_

Milly: You just don't want to admit you're worried about him, do you Meryl? _Meryl and Vash sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g. _(A/N: sing along if you like...)

Meryl: It's the job. It's what I do. _But, it says nothing about fraternizing with the people we have under surveillance. Hear that, Vash?_

Meryl: You know, we didn't come out here to save your sorry butt. _But, since you're here, and it really is a **nice** butt, we'll save you anyway._

Monev the Gale: You are one creepy guy. _You and that Knives dude. No wonder you're obsessed with him... _(A/N: FYI, that was to a certain blue-haired guy ::glomps said gung-ho gun::)

Dominique: You're naïve. _Just like your brother. But, he learned real fast_.

Kaite: Stop being so soft with the entire human race. _Damn it, Vash, you could blow us all to smithereens! Get it over with! This place is hell on earth...er, Gunsmoke!_

Meryl: Make it go away! _Kiss the boo-boo and the pain goes away. Please, Vash. For me? ::big goo-goo eyes::_

Legato: And, don't worry, no one else needs to get hurt. _Just hand over the short one. She's cute._

Monev the Gale: It's dangerous to be too trusting. _Yeah. I trusted blue-hair over there and look where it got me: working for a psychotic human hater who's got me trying to find and kill his twin brother. There's something seriously wrong with this world._

Meryl: Listen, we're looking for a horrible fiend with a price on his head, not an obnoxious idiot like that man. _Although, the obnoxious idiot is preferable to a guy who wiped out an entire city...let's keep him. He's cute._

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anyway, I won't have any more "what they really mean" until I see a few more episodes a few more times...well, well, well, a little innuendo in this one, doncha think? Good enough for this fic, though. Toodles! --Sunny


	7. The Annie May Awards

Disclaimer: I don't own Pokémon, Card Captor Sakura, Sailor Moon, Tenchi Muyo, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Trigun, and any other anime mentioned in here. I don't own any awards shows, either. In fact, I'm glad I don't own awards shows. They're pathetic. Thus the basis for parodying them.

This is what happens when Sunny and her friend Teddy are left behind because their friends are on a band field trip and feel compelled to drive their one friend who stayed behind as well absolutely insane.

I'd like to thank the Academy...not really. Just my friend for giving me the name inspiration for the show. She swears she's gonna name her daughter (if she has one) Annie May. Hehe, Annie May, anime? Oh, I kill myself.

Vash: I don't approve of suicide.

Sunny: I didn't mean literally. I was being sarcastic.

****

The Annie-May Awards

Disembodied voice: (aka Sunny on sound system) Welcome to the first annual Annie-May awards. And, now, your host, Legato Bluesummers!

Legato: ::walks out on stage, wearing tux:: Uh, ::speaks into microphone, which is off, by the way:: Sunshine, don't you think that "first annual" sounds a bit optimistic. ::notices that mike isn't on:: How the--

Sunny: ::turns mike on::

Legato: ::shouting:: FUCK DOES THIS THING WORK? ::realizes it was on and blushes::

::the audience, filled with characters from every anime imaginable dressed up all nice in gowns and tuxes, starts laughing uncontrollably::

Legato: .\\ Thank you, Sunny. As I was saying, ladies, gentlemen, children, pirates, plants, et cetera, thank you for wasting your precious time tonight to come and get an award that will mean nothing in your futures. ::stares at cue card, puzzled:: Uh, okay. First category is best weapon. I guess that the owner of the weapon is going to have to come up and accept it themselves. ::glances nervously at door which guest hosts are supposed to come from:: And, er, if they haven't killed each other yet, which I wouldn't put past them, Meryl Stryfe and Knives Millions are going to announce the nominees and the winners.

Vash: ::in audience, biting his nails:: Oh no...

::Meryl and Knives walk out on stage::

Meryl: Best Weapon. And the nominees are...

::giant screens to show shots of the weapons being used lower to the stage behind them::

Knives: The Cross Punisher from Trigun...

Meryl: The Sword Card from Card Captor Sakura...

Knives: ::laughing:: Charizard from Pokémon...

::everyone in audience, except Ash, laughs at shots of Charizard frying his imbecilic trainer::

Meryl: ::composing herself:: The EVAs from Neon Genesis Evangelion...

::Auska immediately blushes because one of the shots they show is the one of her sitting in it nude::

Knives: The Light Hawk Sword from Tenchi Muyo...

Meryl: And O.Ô Tuxedo Mask's rose from Sailor Moon? Where'd that come from?

Knives: Is that even a weapon?

Voice from audience, which sounds vaguely like Prince Diamond: TRY GETTING HIT IN THE FACE WITH ONE!

Meryl: -_-; Right.

Knives: These are all crappy weapons. No Angel Arms.

Meryl: ::holding Derringer to his temple:: Shut up, baka.

Vash: MERYL! T_T LOVE AND PEACE, REMEMBER?

Meryl: -_-; ::lowers Derringer:: And the winner is...

Knives: ::opens envelope:: A tie between the EVAs and the Cross Punisher. At least it's something lethal.

Milly: ::squeals and hugs Wolfwood::

Wolfwood: ::shakes free from Milly and Kuroneko and walks on stage::

Shinji/Auska: ^_^

Rei: -_-

Meryl: ::hands Wolfwood dorky-looking statuette::

Knives: ::hands statuette to each of the EVA pilots::

Wolfwood: I'm not good speeches. I just thank the Academy of Anime Reveiwers for picking me over some flower.

::audience cracks up::

Wolfwood: Did I say something funny? ::walks back to his chair, completely out of it::

Shinji: Uh, do we really have to make speeches?

Rei: No.

Auska: BUT I WANT TO!

Shinji: Let's not.

Auska: Sure. Listen to Wonder girl.

::Meryl and Knives wave and walk back off stage, to seat themselves on opposite sides of Vash, who has calmed down slightly and is now munching on a donut::

Legato: ::sighs:: This is going to be a **_long_** night.

Sunny: ::mutters to friends in sound booth:: You're telling me.

Legato: Er, Amy Mizuno is going to introduce the next award. Amy?

Amy: ::runs out on stage, her hair all messed up:: Sorry. I was a bit, er, busy backstage. I lost the envelope.

Legato: ::holds envelope:: I've had it in my hands the whole time.

Amy: ::blushes furiously:: Oh, uh, well.

Legato: .\\ Introduce the damn award. I have a meeting with a hot dog that I really don't want to be late for.

Amy: Okay, the nominees for Best Prop are...::suddenly freaked out by the hundreds of eyes on her:: TheAngelArmsfromTrigunShinji'sWalkmanfromNeonGenesisEvangelionAzakaandKamadakefromTenchiMuyotheLazenBoardfromCardCaptorSakuratheTiarafromSailorMoonandtheHoleDiggerfromPokémon. ::squeaks and opens envelope:: Andthewinneris.

Legato: ::takes card from Amy:: You aren't making a word of sense. Visual nearly had a breakdown thanks to your nerves. ::reads card:: The winner Shinji's Walkman from Neon Genesis Evangelion.

::Shinji blushes and tries to shake Auska off his arm, fails, and drags her on stage with him::

Shinji: ::after Amy chucks statuette at him and runs away:: Well--

Auska: I want to say that that damn thing is damn lucky because it interferes way too much and I was just about ready to break it but since it won an award it gets to live a little longer. ::grabs Shinji's arm and drags him off stage::

Legato: That was enlightening. ::looks at cue card and mutters:: Aren't there any commercial breaks in this thing?

::audience too shocked to react::

Sunny: ::into overhead mike:: Uh, Legato, did you forget your microphone was still on?

Legato: ::blushes furiously::

Sunny: ::to her friends:: I'll take that as a yes. ::into mike:: Legato, there are no commercials. This is commercial free because they only have two hours to spare. You're gonna have to stand there and be funny until then, I'm afraid.

Legato: Oh shit.

Wolfwood: . THAT'S MY LINE!!

Serena: ::covers Rini's ears::

Jesse/James: ::clap their hands over Ash and Misty's ears::

::all children in the room (including the two little Wolfwoods, Nicky and Michelle, which are being held still by their mother and their "aunt") now have their ears covered::

Legato: Cripes, I'm sorry. Either you grown ups are gonna have to chill out, this **_is_** show biz, remember, or keep their ears covered for the whole show.

Sunny: Yeah. The censoring button is broken.

Legato: Anyway, Vash the Stampede--Hey, Meryl, is there a **_reason_** he's called that? ^.\\

::Meryl blushes furiously::

Legato: Yes, Vash the Stampede will be announcing the best battle scene. 

Vash: ::walks slowly onto stage, looking upset:: First, I'd like to say that I do not condone killing. Love and peace everyone, love and peace. -_-. Anyway, the Nominees for best battle are ::waits for first scene to play on screens:: The Shadow Ball Angel from Neon Genesis Evangelion, Ryoko, Ayeka, and Tenchi versus KAIN in Tenchi Muyo, the Shot Card from Card Captor Sakura, Ash versus Sabrina from Pokémon, Sailor Moon versus Pharaoh Ninety in Sailor Moon--

Serena: . But nothing **_happened_** that you saw! You couldn't see me at all!

Vash: That's why it's on the list of best battle scenes. Oh, and Knives with the two Angel Arms from Trigun. Hey...that wasn't fun.

Knives: ::chuckles:: **_I_** had fun.

Vash: ::delicately tears open envelope:: Oh, the winner is...O.O. Knives with the two Angel Arms.

Knives: ::swaggers up to stage and takes statuette from his twin:: Be glad the production company took away the guns, because I would have blown this place **INTO ITSY BITSY PIECES** by now. ::walks off stage, Vash following him, looking scared out of his mind::

Legato: That's my master...

::something flies at him from sound booth::

Legato: Sunny, I was joking...-.\\ Anyhoo, Kensuke Aida is going to introduce the Best Supporting Character award. A little FYI for you, this means they were either in less than three episodes or they aren't very important except as comic relief.

Kensuke: ::literally struts on to stage, waving envelope:: Best Supporting Character nominees are... ::peers at card:: Molly from Sailor Moon, Zazie from Trigun, Todd from Pokémon, Ryo-Ohki from Tenchi Muyo, ::blinks:: ^_^ and me! From Neon Genesis Evangelion, of course. See Misato? They like me!

Misato: ::sighs and rolls her eyes::

Kensuke: So... ::rips open envelope:: Wow! I win! Cool! Bye! ::runs away::

Legato: -.\\; This is getting to be strange. Next is ::squints, trying to read cue card which keeps being pulled further and further away from him:: James something-or-other and Jesse unintelligible-last-name with the Best Villain Award.

Jesse: ::drags James on stage, stops to remove Meowth from him, chucks the cat into the audience, which lands on Wolfwood::

Wolfwood: . First Kuroneko and now **_this_** furball? ::starts using his favorite word::

Milly: Nicholas, please, control your temper in front of the children.

Nicky/Michelle: O.O

Everyone else in audience: Ø .Ø ; ::at the happy little Wolfwood family::

Jesse: ::achem:: HELLO!

Audience: ::heads all snap back towards the stage::

Jesse: Best Villain Nominees are...

James: ::so quietly no one can hear him even with the microphone::

Legato: That's my little brother for you....-.\\;

Jesse: You're his brother?

Sunny: O.O 

Legato: Unfortunately...I ran away as soon as I was old enough to walk. They wanted me to marry this Jessebell chick.

James: So I had to marry her, instead.

Legato: ::chuckles::

Jesse: Well, since the bakas over here are busy reminescing about some wimpy, whiny little girl, I'll introduce the Best Villains. Knives Millions from Trigun.

Knives: ::shoots menacing glare at Wolfwood and Vash::

Jesse: My boss, Giovanni, from Pokémon...

James: Pharaoh Ninety from Sailor Moon...

Sailor Moon Cast: WHAT? You never saw him!

Legato: There's something to be said about those who can destroy planets.

Knives: ::smirks:: I told you Vash, it's our gift.

Vash: ::slumps down in his seat:: It's not **_good_**.

Jesse: The Angels from Neon Genesis Evangelion...

James: And Nagi, from Tenchi Muyo, even though I don't really think she was a villain.

Ryoko: ::to Tenchi:: She tried to **_kill_** me!

Tenchi: ::mutters to himself:: Sometimes I wish she had.

James: And the winner is...

Jesse: Pharaoh Ninety...wait...how's he supposed to accept it?

::Hotaru walks silently up, snatches award away and walks back to her seat::

Legato: That answers **_that_** question...Next is Li Syaoran with the Best Animal award. Best Animal? What the?

Li: ::with Mei-lin hanging off his arm:: I can't believe I'm doing such a sissy category.

Mei-Lin: At least you're doing one, unlike that **_other_** girl...

Li: The nominees are Ryo-Ohki from Tenchi Muyo, that stuffed animal from Card Captor Sakura--

Kero: I AM NOT A STUFFED ANIMAL!

Li: Luna from Sailor Moon, Pen Pen from Neon Genesis Evangelion, and Kuroneko from Trigun.

Wolfwood: ::to Vash:: How the hell did that thing get nominated? o.o_?

Milly: ::snatches cigarette out of Wolfwood's mouth:: You quit, remember?

Wolfwood: That tasted good...

Mei-Lin: ::excitedly:: AND THE WINNER IS--

Li: ::slaps her:: Shut up. I'm supposed to be doing this alone.

Mei-Lin: ::runs off stage crying::

Li: Anyway, that thing, Ryo-Ohki, she wins. OK. Whatever. Get your damn thing before I have to use my magic.

Sasami: ::walks up with Ryo-Ohki on her head:: I don't like to make speeches.

Ryoko: SO DON'T!

Sasami: ::shrugs and walks off stage::

Legato: I need a new job...

Meryl: Wanna work for the Bernadelli Insurance Society? You could follow Vash around twenty-four hours a day and cause eternal pain and suffering!

Legato: No. I like my other job fine. ::glances nervously at Knives:: Yeah...just fine...Er, so, Ryoko Misaki is going to tell us what show the best theme song belongs too.

Ryoko: ::flies onto stage:: You know, this has got to be the stupidest award. Every anime show here is nominated and I might as well just tell you who won.

Legato: ::sarcastically:: Then do that.

Ryoko: Card Captor Sakura wins it, but only for the Japanese song.

Kero: ::yells:: Can I help it if the American theme song sucks?

Sakura: ::takes award, too embarrassed about even having to be there to give a speech::

Legato: You know, we've been very, very lucky to have short or no speeches whatsoever. Er, uh, who's supposed to give the next award? I can't read the card.

Rini: ::walks on stage:: I am. The best on-screen kiss award.

Legato: Uh, okay....::stares at little girl:: Are you sure?

Rini: Well, there aren't many nominees for this, but there are a few...very few...Tenchi and Ryoko from Tenchi Muyo, Serena and Darien from Sailor Moon, and Auska and Shinji from Neon Genesis Evangelion.

Legato: Humor me. Who won? ::mutters, this time away from the mike:: Not like we all know anyway.

Rini: Uh, well, it says here that Milly and Wolfwood from Trigun won, but they weren't nominated...

Legato: Nani? ::takes card away:: Wow, it does.

::screen shows card, which typed winner reads Auska and Shinji, but someone scribbled it out and wrote Milly and Wolfwood::

Wolfwood: O.O

Milly: ::squeals and drags Wolfwood on stage::

Meryl: Vash...did you have something to do with that? It looks an awful lot like **_your_** handwriting...

Vash: I had **_nothing_** to do with it at all ^_^.

Meryl: Ø .Ø ; Yeah. Right.

Legato: -.\\; ::hands statuette to Wolfwood, who looks very confused::

Wolfwood: But I never kissed her on screen. It was merely implied.

Vash: There's one now!

Milly: ::dips and kisses Wolfwood::

Wolfwood: O.O

Milly: ::after kiss:: Okay, I would like to thank....

::an hour later::

Milly: And my mother and my father and my big big sister who told me everything about life...

::another hour later::

Milly: ::waves and takes Wolfwood off stage::

Legato: ZzZzZz

Sunny: WAKE UP!

Legato: Uh, well, I guess I jinxed us with that comment about long speeches, huh?

Audience: ::glares::

Legato: Well, since that took so long and we're running out of time, we'll cut to the four major, major awards. Starting with Son Goku from Dragonball Z with the Worst Anime Award.

Goku: HI!

Audience: -_-;

Goku: Er, well, the nominees are Pokémon, Thunder Cats, Dragonball Z, Gundam Wing, and Sailor Moon. ::opens envelope:: And they all win.

Legato: ::not surprised:: Which explains why there's no physical award for this...

::Disclaimer flashes on screens:: This is merely the academy's opinion. Do not flame.

Audience: ::calms down slightly::

Legato: Well, well, well, Shinji Ikari is going to present the best female lead award.

Shinji: ::walking on stage:: Oh, yeah, Auska wants it made known that she finds it severely unfair that we got cheated out of the best on-screen kiss like that. I agree, oddly. You know how many times I had to hold my breath until I turned blue filming that scene?

Legato: Do we **_care_**? Read the damn nominees.

Shinji: Okay. Best female lead nominees are Misty from Pokémon, Meryl from Trigun, Auska from Neon Genesis Evangelion, Sakura from Card Captor Sakura, and Ayeka from Tenchi Muyo.

Legato: Are you sure you aren't reading the card from the Biggest Bitch award?

::Derringer shoots off, Psyduck squawks, shouting in German can be heard, Azaka and Kamadake rise out of nowhere, and Sakura breaks down and cries::

Legato: I WAS JOKING! Sheesh.

Shinji: And Auska wins.

Auska: YAY! ::runs up, gives short speech in German, realizes no one there even **_speaks_** German, shrugs, kisses Shinji, and runs back to her seat::

Legato: ::as Shinji leaves the stage, in shock:: Well, we really do have a special guest for our Best Male Lead award. Please, join me in welcoming Spike from Cowboy Be-Bop, who took great liberty in coming all the way out here to read this.

Spike: HI EVERYONE! 

Legato: Read it, quickly, please. I'm bored, and ::looks at Vash:: my **_left arm_** is starting to hurt.

Vash: ::gulps::

Spike: Okay, nominees for Best Male Lead are as follows. Vash from Trigun, Shinji from Evangelion, Ash from Pokémon, Tenchi from Tenchi Muyo, Li from Card Captor Sakura, and Gene from Outlaw Star.

Legato: I won't ask what the Academy was thinking when they compiled that list.

Sunny: Believe me, you don't want to know.

Spike: ::peeks in envelope:: And the winner is...::stares at card:: ME?

Legato: Let me see that!

::screen shows card, which has Spike, Cowboy Be-Bop clearly typed on it::

Legato: Okay. I guess you get your award. Bye!

Spike: See ya!

Legato: Oh, look, we're out of time. I'll make sure the academy mails out the categories not reached because of **_MILLY_** ::gets knocked flat by stunner from stun gun::

Sunny: ::walks on stage:: Well, I'll make sure that all categories, winners, and unawarded statuettes are mailed out. We only had three hours to work with, since they didn't have commercials, and the other winners will be posted.

::Sunny helps Legato up, and he limps off stage leaning on her shoulder::

::Everyone leaves::

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, it sux, but that's OK! We were bored! We wrote it in Science and at lunch (well, in truth, we only wrote the categories and the nominees...I supplied the story after school). LALALA. Here's the missed categories (the good ones anyway--some of them were pretty awful). Winners are in bold face.

****

Saddest Scene/Episode:

Wolfwood's Death, Trigun

Pikachu's Good-bye, Pokémon

Ryoko's Death, Tenchi Muyo

****

The Third Impact, Neon Genesis Evangelion

Whatever it is that happens to Pegasis (I missed that episode), Sailor Moon

****

Best Dance:

****

Vash's little dance in Episode 4, Trigun

Shinji & Auska's dance, Neon Genesis Evangelion (is that just in the manga? I don't think I've seen that episode...)

The Pikachu's Jukebox dance, Pokémon

Anything Serena does with her weapons, Sailor Moon

****

Funniest Scene/Episode:

When Vash and Wolfwood fall into the quicksand, Trigun

The first episode of Sailor Moon, Sailor Moon

****

Ryoko's booths and Washu's Haunted House at the Carnival, Tenchi Muyo

When Sakura meets Kero, Card Captor Sakura

Shinji and Auska's kiss, Neon Genesis Evangelion

R&R!


	8. V/Meryl & W/Milly fans skip this chapter...

Hmm. I don't own Trigun, or any songs that slip in here. Oh, yeah, Milly's just using the Japanese names because they sound SO much better than Mr. Vash or Mr. Priest. (well, Meryl's just Meryl, but Senpai sounds much cooler)

Wolfwood: You do know that you're dead after you write this?

Sunny: ^_\\ Why?

Wolfwood: You're trying to trick me into giving away the plot so you can yell at me again, aren't you.

Vash: Apparently, Milly's perceptiveness has finally rubbed off on this guy -_-.

**Little Lines**

Legato: Okay, today we're going to write lines of songs that remind you of your co-workers. And anyone who doesn't take this seriously, well, would you like a demonstration ::looks over at Vash::

Vash: ::gulps:: erk…no!

Meryl: . Do I really have to do this for everyone?

Wolfwood: I was going to ask that…

Milly: ::already has about a million things on her paper:: Don't complain Senpai. It's not that hard! ^_^

Wolfwood: ::peeks at Milly's paper:: O.O_? Uh, Milly?

Milly: ^_^ Hai, Bokushi-san?

Knives: Hasn't anyone learned that we need to give that girl _specific instructions?_

Vash: Why?

Wolfwood: ::puts out cigarette:: -_-; Because every single one has "Nicholas" written next to it.

Meryl: -_-;

Legato: -_-;

Knives: -_-;

Milly: ^_^

Vash: ^^.

Meryl: Leave it to the two clueless ones to clearly not get it.

Knives: Well, Vash _is a blonde._

Wolfwood: ::doesn't even turn around:: People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

Knives: O.-

Legato: He has a point, master.

Knives: O.- 

Knives: O.-

Knives: O.-

Knives: O.-

Knives: O.-

Knives: O.-

Legato: ::scared for the first time in his life:: Uh…master?

Knives: I THOUGHT I MADE IT VERY CLEAR THAT YOU ARE NEVER TO POINT OUT THAT MINOR DETAIL! ::picks up Kuroneko and launches it at Wolfwood and Legato::

Kuroneko: Nyaooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Legato: ::ducks::

Kuroneko: ::hits Wolfwood square in the chest and knocks him flat::

Milly: O.O Bokushi-san? Are you all right?

Wolfwood: ::pushes cat off:: I'm fine. ::mutters:: Where's my cross?

::cross is over behind Knives, who is still fuming::

Wolfwood: Er…never mind.

Legato: Okay. As my master wished, here are the new, instructions, explicitly detailed.

Meryl: Oh no…

Milly: But I was almost done! ::is on her 10th page::

Wolfwood: ::passes out because every single one is about him:: @.@

Vash: O.O Wolfie?

Wolfwood: STOP CALLING ME THAT! ::slaps Vash::

Vash: But everyone else does.

Knives: Since when?

Meryl: If you paid any attention to anything, which is not surprising that you don't, he has had a rule about that name for a very long time.

Legato: ::eating an ice pop, patiently waiting for everyone to finish::

Vash: He has?

Wolfwood: ::pulls out piece of paper:: See? It says right here that only fan-girls are allowed to call me "Wolfie"

Milly: ::steals paper away for a second and scribbles something on it::

Wolfwood: ::takes paper back from her:: .

Milly: ^_^ Well? It's on there.

Wolfwood: -_-; And Milly. ::lights another cigarette::

Legato: Are we quite finished?

Meryl: Give me a second. Knives, could I borrow this ::holds up his angel arm::

Knives: ::still too angry at Wolfwood and Legato to care:: Yeah, whatever.

Meryl: Thank you. ::aims it at Vash:: Now we are.

Vash: Erp…Meryl, you aren't actually going to _shoot that, are you?_

Legato: Give her a good enough reason, and I'll help her.

Meryl: O.O You know, I don't really like the sound of that.

Legato: Again, are we ready?

Meryl: ::nods, still holding gun, aimed at Vash::

Legato: We are to write no more than _five songs that remind us of people._

Meryl: How about the same song five times?

Wolfwood: Well, then wouldn't you feel stupid if someone had the same one as you?

Meryl: Good point.

Vash: I have a better idea.

Milly: What's that, Vash-san?

Vash: Meryl and I leave and go--

Meryl: No. Not in this lifetime.

Vash: But the other night you--

Meryl: I was drunk.

Milly: But Senpai, you weren't.

Wolfwood: And you _did. ^_^_?_

Meryl: AUGH!!!!! I am staying in a separate room tonight.

Knives: .^^ and exactly how do you plan to pull _that one off? It's either them, or Legato and me._

Meryl: Excuse me for a minute. ::leaves::

Legato: Can we please start? ô.\\ 

Vash: But, Meryl left.

Legato: .\\ Don't make me do anything drastic.

Knives: Drastic? O.o

Legato: ::sends Knives flying across room::

Legato: So, now that we're ready, we might as well go.

Wolfwood: I think he might object to that ::gestures to Vash with cigarette::

Vash: TT. Meryl, come back!

Milly: Senpai'll be back! She just had to get a breath of fresh air!

Legato: ¬.\\ Oh, to be clueless…

Wolfwood: I agree. ¬.¬_?

§An hour later§

Vash: Are you sure she just got a breath of air? 

Milly: I thought she did…

Knives: How pathetic are you two?

Wolfwood: Go back to sleep! ::knocks Knives upside the head with Cross Punisher::

Vash: Do you think she might have gone back to the hotel?

Wolfwood: ::sarcastic:: What might have possibly given you _that idea?_

Milly: Yeah! She wouldn't leave without us!

Wolfwood: O.O_?

Milly: You really should stop smoking, honey. ::takes cigarette out of mouth and stomps on it::

Wolfwood: Damn. That tasted good.

Legato: -.\\

Milly: Wanna see my list?

Wolfwood: I thought we gave up on it.

Legato: No. You're all just procrastinating.

Wolfwood: Thanks for informing me.

Milly: And this one because of that time about a month ago…::has no clue that everyone is ignoring her::

Wolfwood: In which case, I have one for Vash. I think certain people might agree with me here. ::looks over at Knives::

Legato: Get it over with.

Wolfwood: That song, Sound Siren?

Vash: I'm confused. Isn't that about a girl?

Knives: ::from where he is lying flat on the floor, he raises his hand:: Reason enough for me!

Wolfwood: No. Because there's a line in it, and I quote, ::produces CD book out of nowhere::

Vash: O.o

Legato: Is something wrong?

Milly: Bokushi-san, why are you carrying that with you?

Wolfwood: ::blushes:: Uh….er….It's….eh…::gulps:: Meryl's.

Milly: O.o And why are you carrying that? .

Wolfwood: -_-; ::to himself:: Now I'm gonna get it.

Milly: I'm sure Senpai would not appreciate you taking her things.

Wolfwood: Thank God.

Legato: ::smirking:: You are one lucky priest. ::had used mind control powers on Milly to erase what she was going to say::

Vash: So, why does it remind you of me?

Wolfwood: ::reads lyrics:: Try not and shoot and kill no one, 'cause I would feel like shit.

Knives: ::mutters, because his face is one with the floor presently:: Sounds like Vash to me.

Vash: THAT'S NOT TRUE!

Legato: I beg to differ.

Vash: And how would you know? You were dead!

Wolfwood: Point proved.

Milly: I'm just going to go and bring Senpai back. She _has been gone for an awful long time._

Vash: ::waves:: Buh-bye! We'll have some pudding ready when you get back!

::Milly leaves, smiling::

Vash: ::points as Wolfwood:: As for you, mon ami,

Wolfwood: I don't want to hear it!

Vash: Why? I need your help!

Wolfwood: I don't think I want to know where this is going…

Kuroneko: Nyao?

Legato: Where'd that thing come from?

Knives: Ur-

Wolfwood: ::has Cross Punisher two inches away from Knives's skull:: Finish and die.

Knives: Never mind.

Wolfwood: That's what I thought.

Milly: Senpai's gone.

Legato: -_\\ Really?

Knives: Here's a song for Vash ::sits up and sings:: "Because I'm blonde, I don't have to think--

Wolfwood: Does anyone have a mirror for Mr. Millions? I think he needs to see something.

Legato: Unfortunately, the only one we had left with the shorter Insurance salesperson.

Vash: Would I be of service? I am his twin, after all.

Milly: But you look nothing alike, Vash-san.

Wolfwood: I'm afraid it's the best we can do.

Knives: "BECAUSE I'M BLONDE!"

Wolfwood: We noticed…

Knives: CHAPEL!

Wolfwood: Yes?

Knives: Not you, the other one.

Legato: We fired him, sir. Remember?

Knives: Augh. SOMEONE! DISPOSE OF THIS---

Milly: ::practically shoving the stun gun in his mouth:: Don't say it.

Vash: TT. My sweet precious Meryl left me?

Wolfwood: You _are clueless, aren't you?_

Kuroneko: Nyao ::is dragging something--or someone, rather::

Legato: Well, look at what the cat dragged in.

Knives: .-_- Literally. Welcome back, Stryfe.

Milly: ^_^

Vash: **.

Meryl: .

Wolfwood: I feel really sorry for you right now.

Meryl: Thanks. 

Wolfwood: No, really.

Vash: MERYL! YOU'RE BACK! ::glomps the poor short girl::

Wolfwood: ::pries Vash off of Meryl:: Give the girl some air.

Vash: But she must have gotten plenty. She was gone for over an hour.

Meryl: What have you been _telling these people, Nicholas?_

Wolfwood: Nothing.

Milly: She called you _Nicholas?_

Wolfwood: Shit…now I'm really in trouble.

Legato: I'm not helping you this time.

Milly: ::in blind rage:: WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING BEHIND MY BACK YOU FILTHY GOOD FOR NOTHING BAKA PRIEST WHO IS AWFULLY LUCKY THAT I DON'T HAVE A LETHAL WEAPON OR ELSE HE WOULD BE LYING ON THE GROUND SHAKING LIKE A BABY!

Knives: Did you catch any of that?

Legato: No.

Wolfwood: Milly, I can explain.

Vash: You better be able to. . 

Meryl: Excuse me for a minute. ::starts to leave::

Vash: ::grabs collar of Meryl's shirt:: . Oh no you don't,

Meryl: What did I do?

Vash: . You tell me.

Meryl: I was drunk!

Knives: I think your generic excuse just lost all credibility.

Milly: WHAT DID YOU DO?

Wolfwood: Note to self: do not speak to Meryl for at least two more hours.

Vash: ::holding Angel Arm and wrist-machine gun, both aimed at Meryl and Wolfwood:: Okay. One or more of you is going to explain this, and it's going to be logical, and the excuse "I was drunk" will not be accepted.

Wolfwood: ::to Meryl:: This is your fault, you know.

Meryl: _MY fault? You were the one who tricked me into going outside with you._

Legato: OK, let's just cut to the chase. Meryl and Wolfwood haven't exactly been, er, faithful.

Meryl: Excuse me a second. ::turns to Legato:: My relationship with Vash is strictly professional. As for him ::points at Wolfwood:: whatever he had with Milly is none of my business, and I didn't ask.

Milly: ::in tears::

Knives: I love these little melodramas. They're more fun that soap operas.

Legato: Meryl, I hate to burst your little self-assured bubble, but earlier this chapter, actions improper for mention were alluded to. And, unless I'm wrong, that would disprove your "strictly professional" argument.

Meryl: WE PLEAD THE FIFTH!

Wolfwood: We do?

Meryl: Yes. We do. Or else we're going to be in deep shit.

Wolfwood: Right! WE PLEAD THE FIFTH!

Milly: I thought only Knives could do that?

Legato: Constitutional rights are defunct out of the United States of America and the territories and protectorates.

Wolfwood: Damn.

Milly: It wouldn't work. They're not insane.

Meryl: . Milly, the fifth amendment says you don't have to say anything that may incriminate you.

Wolfwood: May I be excused for a minute? I have to make a phone call.

Vash: He'll need supervision, to make sure he doesn't run away as well.

Meryl: ::raises hand to volunteer::

Vash: And it won't be you. Milly, you go.

Milly: ^_^ Okay! ::follows Wolfwood out to make a phone call::

Vash: As for you…

Meryl: ::picks up Vash's Angel Arm and holds it to her head:: Shoot me now.

Knives: .^^ Gladly!

Vash: Oh, no you don't! ::holds machine gun up to Knives, takes gun away from Meryl:: Now, as for Legato, who has been our lawyer/legal counsel/director of activities/whatever else he'd like to be, well, he better come up with something quick.

Legato: Well, we _could solve this little issue with a few quick arrange--_

Wolfwood: EVERYONE PACK YOUR BAGS! WE'RE GOING TO AMERICA!

Meryl: Thank you god!

Vash: Wait a minute. What were you saying, Legato?

Legato: Well, with a few simple arrangements, this whole issue could be overlooked, and everyone could have what they want.

Meryl: I think I know where this is going.

Wolfwood: Okay, I will.

Legato: Fine. Milly, you are now Mrs. Nicholas D. Wolfwood.

Milly: ^_^

Wolfwood: O.O WHAT?

Legato: You agreed to it.

Wolfwood: I didn't think that was going to be it!

Knives: ::shakes head:: I should have thought that by now you would have learned to get the details before you agree to something.

Wolfwood: I retract my previous statement that agreed to marry Milly!

Legato: .\\ I know I really shouldn't let him, but…

Milly: T_T

Legato: I will anyway. Okay. Here are the two options, and, for humor's sake, both involve the sacrament of matrimony.

Meryl: Whose humor?

Knives: Ours.

Vash: .

Milly: Matra-what?

Wolfwood: But, I'm a priest!

Legato: We could do the one I prefer, which would put Meryl and Wolfwood into merry hell,

Meryl: Sadist.

Wolfwood: Or?

Legato: The one Knives prefers, which would make Milly and Vash need therapy.

Meryl: I don't think I want to hear what either one entails.

Wolfwood: We're going to miss the boat.

Vash: We're taking a cruise?

Wolfwood: We're going to America. The boat leaves in an hour.

Knives: Why didn't you say so? 

Wolfwood: ::takes out cigarette:: I did.

§Yet Another Hour Later, when everyone finally got on the damn ship, which was easier said than done because Meryl refused to be in the same room as Vash, but both she and Wolfwood had to be under supervision, and Milly refused to do it, so a reluctant Knives watched them and then Vash destroyed Milly and Meryl's car again and Angelina broke down again, but they all got there and are now en route to the USA§

Legato: Anyway, which option have we decided on?

Vash: First.

Milly: First.

Knives: Second.

Wolfwood: Neither.

Meryl: ….

Legato: Meryl? Your input would be appreciated.

Vash: She's not talking, due to the fact that she pleaded the fifth and is afraid that anything she says may incriminate her.

Legato: Then, due to popular opinion, we'll go ahead with the

Knives: second

Legato: plan. .\\ I meant the

Knives: second

Legato: one. **.\\ Master, it would be nice if you stopped interrupting.**

Knives: And what is your mission?

Legato: To bring eternal pain and suffering to the man that this ::touches left arm:: arm belongs to.

Vash: O.o.

Legato: ::licks left hand delicately::

Wolfwood: That was gross.

Legato: I see your point, master.

Knives: Good. Now, we just need to find someone to officiate…

Wolfwood: I will!

Knives: Nice try. You're going to be on the receiving end.

Milly: YAY! ^_^

Knives: But you are not.

Meryl: I would like to point out that this was not supposed to happen this was and that we were supposed to be thinking of songs that remind us of the other people in the cast of Trigun.

Vash: Funny how these things work out, isn't it, sweetie?

Knives: I wouldn't call her that if I were you. Her husband might not appreciate that.

Vash: She has a husband?

Legato: Actually, he's just her fiancé presently, but will be her husband soon.

Meryl: I missed something. ::looks at Wolfwood, then Knives, who is grinning maniacally:: Oh, no. No way! Not in this life time!

Knives: Then how about the next one? ::blasts Meryl with a gun::

Vash: T_T.

Wolfwood: You're all aware that that was Milly's stun-gun, right?

Meryl: I don't think they are…And why are Milly and Vash crying?

Wolfwood: I'm not sure. Milly, sweetie, are you okay?

Milly: Get away from me, baka.

Meryl: ::low whistle:: She's pissed.

Legato: ::snicker:: Humans, how pathetic.

Wolfwood: Haven't we already discussed this area of dementia?

Knives: You mean the glass house thing?

Wolfwood: -_-_? ::nods::

Legato: -_\\

Legato: -_\\

Legato: -_\\

Legato: -_\\

Legato: -_\\

Legato: -_\\

Wolfwood: You can stop now.

Legato: Master, please accept my apologies of being one of those whom you hate the most.

Knives: Have you ever heard me complain?

Legato: No, master.

§Action edited due to temporary insanity on behalf of the author, but I can assure you it involved a Gung-Ho Gun, a plant, and at least one minute of mouth-to-mouth contact§

::Author realizes that could be more than one couple…::

Meryl: O.o

Wolfwood: O.O_?

Vash: o.O.

Milly: ^_^ Isn't that nice? Knives-san and Legato-san have found the one they love. My big big sister always said follow your heart because only it knows the truth.

Wolfwood: Milly? ::puts out cigarette:: I have to ask you something.

Milly: Go away. .

Wolfwood: ::to Meryl and Vash:: Did I miss something?

Vash: Ask her ::points at Meryl angrily:: You two apparently have something going on. Go do whatever it is you've been doing when our backs were turned.

Meryl: ::realizes what Vash said:: Oh, God, Vash! You don't really think that I like him, do you?

Wolfwood: Come to think of it, do you remember anything after you came back?

Meryl: Actually, I don't ever remember rejoining you people.

Both: WHAT DAY IS IT AND WHAT ARE WE DOING ON A BOAT?

Vash: We're going to America, so you two can be protected by the fifth amendment so you'll never tell us what's been going on. As for the day, I think it's Monday…

Legato: Like I said. Humans, how pathetic,

Knives: ::slaps Legato:: Don't you ever call my brother a human!

§Action once again edited out…same one as before, amigos. No worries. §

Meryl: O.O

Wolfwood: O.O

Vash: -_-. There is something seriously wrong with my brother at the present time. Everyone, please stop staring. We have to figure out why Meryl and Wolfwood are acting so strange, and what Milly and I are going to do after their wedding.

Meryl: Who's wedding?

Milly: . Yours and that baka priest's WHO TOLD ME LAST NIGHT THAT HE LOVED ME!

Wolfwood: You mean…I'm marrying _her? That bitch? Vash, you can keep her!_

Vash: ^^. And then, you can have Milly!

Legato: ::so V, M, M, & W can't hear them:: Knives, wasn't this fun?

Knives: I think it would have been more fun if you'd waited until _after they had gotten married to let go of the mind control._

Legato: I had other things on my mind. If you know what I mean.

Knives: Shall we leave them to their devices?

::Knives and Legato leave::

Vash: I seriously worry about that guy. 

Meryl: Calm down. AND WILL SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME HOW I ENDED UP BACK WITH YOU PEOPLE AND ENGAGED TO MR. WOLFWOOD NO LESS?

Vash: Meryl Wolfwood. I like that…

Milly: ::aims stun-gun at Vash::

Vash: ^^.; But, Milly Wolfwood sounds so much better! _Could you please aim that at something else?_

Milly: Okay! ^_^ ::plants big wet one on Wolfwood::

Vash: ::to Milly:: Should we tell them?

Milly: Nah. Just meet me on the starboard deck in two hours.

Vash: ::nods::

Wolfwood: ::to Meryl:: We just got our butts saved.

Meryl: ::whines:: But, it's Vash…

Wolfwood: Here, two hours from now. Sound good to you?

Meryl: It's a date. ::waves good-bye somewhat flirtatiously:: Though, this acting really wears me out.

§Two Hours Later§

The Fab Four: WHA???

Milly: I thought you two were controlled by Legato?

Meryl: It's amazing how far $$15 gets you.

Wolfwood: But, apparently, it didn't matter.

Vash: Well, considering you two always seemed to sneak off in the middle of the night, we just happened to get to know each other a little better.

Meryl: I'm sure you did.

Knives: OKAY! EVERYONE! TRUCE! Now, if you'll excuse me, I must have a chat with Mr. Bluesummers about the future of his career.

Legato: ::gulp::

Knives: You better not lie like that again.

Legato: But Meryl paid me, and well, I needed the cash, for a gambling debt, so…

§You can guess what was edited out. It's amazing what these people do to get out of trouble§

Vash: Could you two get a room? Please?

Knives: ::shakes key in Vash's face::

Vash: Could you USE it then?

Knives: Gladly, mon petit frère.

Vash: WAIT! HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?

Knives: Rem told me.

Vash: REM! ::breaks down::

Milly: ::runs to comfort Vash::

Meryl: A-ha!

Vash: ::kisses Milly:: Thank you.

Wolfwood: So, can we just quit all the acting and follow what we truly feel? I mean, seriously, that script just wanted it that way, but I couldn't take it!

Milly: Like I'd ever kiss a man who smokes. Senpai, he's all yours.

Meryl: But you did…

Milly: ::reads over chapter:: You're right…blech! NEVER AGAIN!

Wolfwood: Praise the lord! ::picks Meryl up, swings her around the deck and kisses her::

**THE END**

Knives: OK. Is everyone happy? She traveled the unconventional route, put in a yaoi, and even wrote the edited parts so that V/W fans could take it that way.

Legato: Master? Can we please leave? I thought Vash told us to go back to our room.

Knives: You think I'd actually listen to my little brother?

**THE REAL END **

**(without interruptions from certain aggravating villains)**


	9. Results May Vary

Knives: Remind me to never, ever let you know that I want a girlfriend again.

Blossom: Hey, you offered.

Sunny: *Achem* This is _my story, thank you very much. ::dramatic flourish a la Vanna White:: Everyone, this is my sister, Blossom, of BlossomSaotome fame (or the infamous, depending on whether or not you've read her stories)_

Blossom: ::slaps Sunny::

Sunny: Anyhoo, she's been making odd statements, lately. But, she has not seemed to notice yet that she has already been put in a story. (yes, _a story; note the singularity) If you don't know, go back and read Gunsmoke High. There's a character named Sandy…Now, if she'd just leave me to my bishonen, I'd be very happy._

Knives: But, I thought I wasn't one of *your* bishies?

Sunny: You aren't. ::makes Knives and Blossom vanish:: ^_\\ Now, my bishies and I can continue this.

Legato: Why do I have to be evil? T_\\

Wolfwood: And why am I not in this? O._?

Sunny: o.\\ Er, well, you see, I couldn't figure out a way to sneak Wolfie into this one, unless, you want to be a scientist?

Wolfwood: And be responsible for Vash's actions? I think not!

Sunny: Then shut up. ::holds dagger up to Wolfie:: And if you say anything more about this, I will be forced to bring Milly back.

Legato: I think we should. ::watches, semi-amused, the fight between Sunny and Wolfwood:: Anyway, Sunny doesn't own Trigun, and I figured that I better say it and get the story started because this has got to be the longest intro she's ever written. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go remove a dagger from the hands of the insane. ::thinks for a second:: Oh yeah, she also doesn't own any strange monster movies this may resemble.

**Results May Vary**

            "Vash, please, cooperate with me on this one," Dr. Rem Saverem begged the tall, blonde man. "It's just for humor's sake."

            "Y-y-you want to switch m-m-my brain w-w-w-with _his?" Vash the Stampede stared at Legato Bluesummers, who was smirking, somewhat evilly. Meryl Stryfe watched with silent disbelief, shaking her head._

            "Vash, please, just get in the case. You won't feel a thing."

            Reluctantly, Vash slid into the long case, reminiscent of the coffin in Snow White. Meryl still couldn't believe this was actually happening. Since Milly and Mr. Wolfwood had left, inexplicably, leaving just a note behind, she'd had to put up with Vash all by herself.

            "Meryl, love, you might want to turn away. There's going to be a flash of light, and it may hurt your eyes." Rem said.

            'Why do people say that?' Meryl thought. 'It only provokes them to look.' She thought of a science class in middle school; the teacher lit a bit of magnesium ablaze, warning everyone not to look directly at it. Meryl had been seeing spots for a week.

            But, Meryl respected Rem enough that she stared down at her white boots while the experiment was going on. She was personally petrified of the thought of Vash being like Legato.

            At first, Knives was to be used in the experiment, but he was delayed at Dhmitrhi, and sent Legato in his place.

            The first thought that popped into Meryl's head about the reversed roles was Vash licking his hand. She shivered, despite the room temperature being near seventy degrees.

            Sure enough, there was a blinding flash, which caused Meryl to wince.

            "Okay, guys, you can come out now," Rem said.

            Legato pushed open the side hatch and slid out. "I think something went wrong," he said smoothly, raising his left hand to his face. He caressed it softly against his cheek.

            Meryl felt like throwing up. She silently prayed that Vash was all right.

            Vash followed Legato out. "Where's Knives?" he asked.

            'Oh no,' Meryl thought. 'He'd better be acting.'

            Vash raised his gun, and Legato smirked again. It was starting to drive Meryl nuts. She started to think that maybe the transfer hadn't worked entirely.

            Her suspicions were confirmed when Vash uttered, "Humans, how pathetic," and shot off his gun, aimed right at Rem.

            "You two, hide," she yelled at Legato and Meryl. Meryl dove into the now vacant case, where Vash had once lay. She could hear Legato laughing hysterically.

            She pressed her hands over her ears, to drown out the sound of insane laughter, gunshots, and Rem screaming.

            "Meryl!" She suddenly yelled, right next to the case. She slumped down, catching her breath.

            "Yeah?"

            "You remember mullets?"

            "Unfortunately,"

            "Well, unless you make a better attempt to protect yourself in there, you're going to have one."

            Meryl didn't quite grasp what this meant until she heard the crack of a gun. A bullet flew through the side of the case, centimeters above her. She tried to flatten herself into the bottom of the case, not screaming. Previous experience told her that screaming just provoked people such as Legato, because they enjoyed it, basked the furor of such a noise.

            The bullet passed through the other side of the case, missing Rem by a half-inch, and landed in the equipment, which caused it to start to short circuit. Meryl slid out of the case, and fumbled for a Derringer. She really could have used the Cross Punisher, or even just Milly's Stun Gun right about now.

            The Derringer would suffice for the time being. She grabbed one and quickly shot it at Vash's leg, hoping to impair the Humanoid Typhoon, at least for a few moments.

            Sure enough, the pain was enough to cause him to stop for a moment. Legato, on the other hand (A/N: pun so _not intended…ack -_\\) was still laughing psychotically, with that hideous grin on his face._

            'Don't scream, don't scream, don't scream,' Meryl thought to herself

            A scream erupted anyway. Except that it was Vash's.

            "Vash?" Meryl screeched. She frantically crawled across the floor over to the now-fallen man. He seemed to be crying.

            He wasn't making any sense at all. Suddenly, Meryl felt as though she'd been clubbed over the head with one of her Derringers. She fell backwards, fading into blackness.

            Meryl realized she was holding a tray of carrot sticks. 'Carrot sticks? What the?'

            'Take them to Vash,' a voice in her head ordered. 'Or do I have to make you do it myself.'

            Legato. It must have been his doing, the whole ordeal in the lab. How long ago had that been?

            Vash was lying on a bed in the next room, shivering. He was also mumbling to himself. Legato was leaning against the wall, studying his left hand closely.

            Meryl shot him a look as she brought the carrot sticks to Vash.

            "Vash?" she whispered, kneeling next to him.

            'Insolent girl. I didn't tell you to speak to him.'

            "You are not in charge of me," she said, not even turning around. "Vash, please, look at me."

            Vash kept his face shoved into the pillow. Meryl reached out to touch his cheek.

            "Go away," he muttered.

            "What's wrong?"

            "You shot me."

            Meryl leaned back on her heels. "Vash," she started. "I had to."

            "Who killed Rem?"

            "Rem?"

            "She's dead. Who killed her?"

            Meryl turned around, looking at Legato, who seemed to be preoccupied with tossing a key chain in the air and catching it.

            "I don't know, Vash."

            "Was it you?" he asked, turning to look at her. His aqua eyes were bright with hatred. "It only makes sense that if you shot me, you must have gone after her."

            'Come here, Meryl,' Legato ordered in her mind.

            "I'll be right back." She said, getting up and walking over to Legato. She demanded, "Why have you done this?"

            "I have done nothing, except restore his mind." Legato smiled, playing with the singed ends of Meryl's hair. The bullet had caught some of it, ripping it off. "It's his own fault that Rem died."

            "How did the accident happen?"

            "It never really did." He stroked her cheek. "I just played around with his mind for a bit. I thought it might be fun."

            "Bastard," she said, slapping his arm.

            He clicked his tongue in disapproval. "Meryl, you forget. Here, I am in charge. It would do you well to learn to use decorum.

            "And that would include not striking me." He watched her walk back over to Vash. "Or to be speaking with that person without my permission."

            "Vash," Meryl whispered, "Are you okay?"

            "Rem," he muttered. "Tell me what happened to her."

            'He wouldn't be able to handle the truth,' Legato mocked within Meryl's head.

            "You're evil," she snapped at him.

            'That would be a complement, in my world. Lie to him.'

            She couldn't though. Meryl had often found it extremely difficult to lie to Vash.

            "You did, Vash," she whispered, reaching out to touch him. She feared what effect the words would have on him. "You killed Rem."

            "I didn't! I never killed anybody!"

            "Legato made you,"

            'You aren't supposed to tell him that.'

            "He controlled you, making you kill Rem."

            "Liar!" Vash said, striking her on the cheek. "You're lying."

            She tried to find his gaze, but his eyes were clenched shut. Meryl couldn't think of anything to do, so she let her instincts overrule any logic.

            Meryl leaned into Vash and kissed him softly, catching the edge of his mouth. "Vash, I love you. Why would I lie to you about this?"

            "Because he's making you," he said, pushing her away.

            She grabbed his arm, pulling herself back towards him. "Vash, he's not doing anything except rant and rave at me."

            "You're lying."

            Meryl felt tears prick at her eyes. "I'm not. Vash, you have to believe me."

            She felt a heavy hand on her shoulder. 'Come, Meryl.'

            Meryl didn't move. 'Meryl, you will get up now, or I will make you.'

            "Never," she whispered angrily. But, she felt herself getting up and follow him out of the room.

            "What have you done to him?" Meryl asked, the tears in her eyes threatening to overflow.

            "I've told you, nothing." His golden eyes met hers. "Anything that happens now is of his free will."

            "Then why won't he believe me?"

            Legato chuckled. "He's been around the humans too long. Do you really think I am able to explain this to you?"

            Meryl was furious. "How can you say these things about humans, where you are one yourself?" She reached out to hit him.

            Legato caught her arm in mid-swing. "I thought I told you it would be advised not to strike me."

            Meryl lowered her eyes to the ground. "Yes, sir,"

            Legato was amused. "Well, it didn't take long to break you, now, did it?" He moved his hand from the crook of her elbow to her shoulder, smiling slightly.

            "That's what you think," she hissed, breaking loose. She walked back into the room where Vash lay, despite Legato yelling at her.

            She once again knelt next to him, noticing that some of the carrot sticks had apparently been eaten. She kissed the side of his mouth again. "Vash, I'm sorry." she whispered, curling into a ball next to the bed.

            Meryl felt something soft hit her. 'Put these on. Your clothes are filthy.'

            She looked at the clothes Legato had apparently tossed at her. It was merely a pair of shorts and a camisole.

            "If either of you look, you're dead," she said, seriously, walking to the far side of the room, the only place where she could really change her clothes.

            'It's not like there's anything to see, Meryl,' Legato mocked. 'Wait.' He crossed the room to her, making Vash sit up with his mind.

            "You two have until I get back to find another bedroom, and be situated. It's almost midnight, and I expect you both to be quite fresh tomorrow morning."

            Vash didn't say anything, just watched Meryl.

            Meryl broke his grip on her arm. "What do you mean by that?"

            "Let's just say you'll be seeing your precious Milly Thompson and Nicholas Wolfwood again if you comply." he said, smiling softly down at Meryl. "Unless, of course, you'd prefer another option?"

            Legato walked out of the room. 'Of course, if you do, Meryl, just go upstairs.'

            Meryl had a feeling she knew what that entitled.

            "So, we're basically his slaves," Vash whispered.

            "Not if we get out."

            "We do and he kills Milly and Wolfwood."

            Meryl picked up the clothes he gave her. "Not if we find them first." She walked out of the room.

            Vash was right behind her. "You're crazy, you know that?" he said, restraining her by holding on to her shoulder.

            "Let go of me," she ordered.

            "You'll be killed." Vash whispered, now holding her with both hands.

            "And you'll be the one to pull the trigger, knowing him."

            Vash turned Meryl around and stared at her. "You really are crazy. I wouldn't."

            "He'd make you. Just like with Rem."

            Vash glanced down solemnly. "I understand."

            "You'd better," Meryl said, shaking free, "or we're going to be dead."

            Hearing footsteps on the stairs, Vash pushed Meryl into the nearest room. Inside lay a single pallet.

            "Well, that wouldn't have been my personal choice, but, to each their own." Legato said, laughing. "Meryl, I thought I told you to change."

            "It's not like you gave me any time," she snapped.

            "Then do it now." he said, turning away.

            Meryl quickly changed into the other clothes, finding them to be slightly more comfortable than her white blouse and skirt.

            "Fine," Legato murmured, still amused. "If the arrangement you have chosen dissatisfies you, there is a room upstairs that Meryl can have."

            "I think this'll be fine," Meryl said calmly. 'Lech,' she snapped mentally.

            'I disapprove of lechery. I just think you may be above an average laborer.' Legato stroked her cheek again before leaving.

            Vash watched Meryl as she slumped down against the wall. "Are you sure you don't want the bed?"

            "You can have it."

            "We could share it," he whispered. "It's big enough."

            Meryl glanced over at it for a second. "I'd rather find Milly and Mr. Wolfwood."

            "Don't bother," Vash whispered. "They're dead, or will be soon."

            "How do you know?" Meryl demanded.

            Vash shook his head. "Wolfwood didn't write that note."

            "But it was his handwriting. You said so yourself."

            "It didn't sound like him. It wasn't his pattern of speech, and some of the words in it I'd never heard him say before. Besides, why would he and Milly just up and leave?"

            That was a question that frequently haunted my mind.

            "Legato's been holding them here. I saw them."

            "When?" I asked, hoping I might have been able to find them.

            "Meryl, it doesn't matter. It's just us now."

            "Then why can't we just leave? He promised we'd see them again if we stayed."

            "He never promised that they'd be alive."

            "Then why can't we just leave?"

            "When he's awake?" Vash sighed. "Whatever it is you take, Meryl, give me some as soon as get away."

            I gave him a Look. 

            Vash sat there for a second, seeming to be deep in thought. "Now," he whispered. "I think he's asleep."

            "How can you tell?" I demanded, watching him crack open the window.

            "Don't ask questions right now." he said, sliding through. I heard him fall to the ground.

            "Jump out. I'll catch you, I promise."

            I walked over to the window, slightly afraid. "Are you sure?" I asked, barely glimpsing him in the pitch blackness of the night. The moons all seemed to be in the new phase, and there weren't any stars out, either.

            "Meryl, this was your idea. Come on," he hissed.

            I shrugged and slid out the window. And landed flat on my butt. Vash was lying sprawled out on the ground.

            "Where do you think you two are going?" I heard Legato laugh above us.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wolfwood: o.O_? You didn't have to KILL me.

Sunny: But, I never said that you were.

Legato: Then again, she never said you were alive, either.

Wolfwood: o.o;_? Uh, Sunshine, what happens to Meryl and Vash?

Sunny: ::blinks:: Huh? Oh. I didn't think about that. Maybe I'll have to give this a second part. That is, if that's what the readers want…

Legato: Can I kill them? The power of death truly is quite intoxicating.

Sunny: Tell ya what. If we get enough reviews begging us for more chapters, I'll let you kill someone.

Legato: ^_\\ Yum.

Wolfwood: YUM? We're talking about my life here!

Sunny: Nicky, you die in just about every story I write. And you're still here.

Wolfwood: Good point…

Sunny: Hear that all of you out there in reader land? If we get fifteen reviews, we'll tell you what happens to Vash and Meryl. Oh, and Bokushi-san, too, since we love him so much.

Ecaep dna evol, Sunny


	10. If the Trigun cast had personalized lice...

Legato: mmmmmmmph mmm mmm mmmph! ::is bound and gagged::

Sunny: Wha?

Midvally: He said we don't own Trigun. Enjoy our little chapter of running gags…

**Random Things About the Trigun Cast!**

**Customized License Plates!**

(Make sure this isn't the car riding on your bumper! With translations of odd ones!)

Vash: LuvNPeaz

Meryl: deringr 

Milly: Pudding1

Wolfwood: cnfshnal (confessional)

Knives: buttrfly

Legato: painsffr (pain, suffer)

Midvally: Sophia (you know, the saxophone?)

Rem: granium

Kuroneko: NYAOOOOO 

**Carnival Booths!**

(More than your average ring toss!)

Vash: Shooting Gallery. Rules are you can't hit the targets.

Meryl: How long will it take you to guess who Vash the Stampede is?

Milly: Forget the booth. She's running the pudding-eating contest!

Wolfwood: the Confessional

Knives: Shooting Gallery. Traditional rules. All the targets look like spiders…

Legato: Test your psychic powers!

Midvally: Actually, he's providing the music…

Rem: selling geraniums and thoughts on love and life

Kuroneko: one of those spiffy fishing booths!

**Self Help Books!**

(like, How to Earn $$60 Billion Really Fast!)

Vash: How to Have a Peaceful Existence

Meryl: How to Write Insurance Claims (followed by a book on anger management O.\\)

Milly: How to Be 100% Clueless

Wolfwood: How to Make a Confession

Knives: How to Make Your Annoying Twin Brother Leave

Legato: How to Create Your Own Group of Professional Assassins

Midvally: How to Make a Saxophone Gun

Rem: How to Be the Most Obnoxious Character in an Anime Series (this is an _opinion)_

Kuroneko: How to Be Everywhere

**If They Taught Classes**

(sadly, Trigun 101 not offered)

Vash: Emotional Intelligence

Meryl: Insurance Theory

Milly: Cooking (class is just making pudding & her grading it on how good it tastes)

Wolfwood: Religion

Knives: Herbology (you know, the study of plants?)

Legato: Drama

Midvally: Band

Rem: Choir (god, she sings Sound Life enough…)

Kuroneko: (uh…let's not go there…)

**Super Powers!**

(I'm sure Vash wishes he had X-ray vision! ^_\\)

Vash: can turn his head a full 180 degrees (A/N: see episode 9, Murder Machine)

Meryl: extreme bitchiness

Milly: is so sweet bad guys can't help but like her!

Wolfwood: doesn't have one, but he does have this….PORTABLE CONFESSIONAL!

Knives: super long temper

Legato: (oh, come on, we know this!) psychic powers!

Midvally: deafens people with Sophia and his extremely loud shirt

Rem: drives everyone mad with her prattlings about love and peace

Kuroneko: is everywhere all at once

**Deepest, Darkest Secrets**

Vash: is afraid of the dark

Meryl: really in love with Wolfwood

Milly: actually doesn't like pudding

Wolfwood: has no clue why he became a priest

Knives: cries at night thinking about Rem

Legato: cries at night thinking about Knives

Midvally: really wishes he could play the clarinet

Rem: has violent tendencies

Kuroneko: ate a catnip mouse for lunch

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Uh, yeah. There really wasn't much to do with this, but, hey! Things you never knew about the Trigun cast! ^_\\

Ecaep dna evol, Sunny-chan!


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